Mutuality in Marriage
Submit
to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives,
submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the
husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his
body, of which he is the Savior. Now
as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their
husbands in everything.
Husbands,
love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for
her to make her holy, cleansing her by the
washing with water through the word, and to present her to
himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other
blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love
their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care
for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his
body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to
his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound
mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves
himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
(Ephesians 5:21-33 NIV)
Ephesians chapter 5 is the go-to
passage for Christian marriage counseling, Christian marriage books, and
sermons on marriage. There’s even a
popular umbrella diagram that illustrates this passage.
But for Christian women in
abusive marriages, this passage is their prison. Ephesians 5 based counseling, books, umbrella
diagrams, and sermons are just more locks on the door.
Christian men who have an
abusive mindset, and one out of 4 men do, absolutely love this passage, because
it allows them to abuse and get away with it.
Abusive men, and most
Christian commentaries on Ephesians 5, all draw the same conclusion: the
husband is the head, and the wife must respect and submit him. As long as the wife submits to her husband, there
won’t be any problems in the marriage.
If problems arise, the wife just needs to buckle down and submit/respect
a little more.
During one such sermon, as
the Pastor read these verses, I watched the elderly couple in front of me. The wife was well known in the church for her
kindness and self-less deeds, and everyone knew that her husband, one of the church elders, was
controlling and verbally abusive to her.
As the pastor began to read, the husband’s eyes lit up, he sat up a little
straighter, and he stiffly
stretched out his arm and put it around his wife. It was obvious this passage was one of his
favorites. His wife, however, had a
different response. Her shoulders
slumped and her eyes went to the floor.
Amazing how the same verses
could evoke such different connotations.
Life to one person, death to another.
If the Word of God brings such
sadness and condemnation to a dear child of God, we have to wonder if we are
perhaps misinterpreting it. Let’s look
at these verses again; is there perhaps a deeper meaning hidden there?
Let’s compare the
headship/submission teaching to the marriage of Nabal and Abigail (1 Samuel 25). Was Nabal a good head?
He definitely ruled the
roost; he was King of his Castle. So
kudos to him in that department.
He made all the decisions
without considering anyone else’s opinions.
Kudos again for being a bold, decisive leader.
He also was an excellent
provider.
Wow, good job Nabal!! He
really checks all the boxes, doesn’t he?
Obviously, Abigail doesn’t
fare so well in our comparison. She
didn’t respect her husband. In fact, she
called him a fool and a wicked man (NIV).
And it gets worse – she didn’t
submit to her husband either. She acted
in complete defiance of her husband’s command by sneaking off to give David
food.
According to today’s most
popular Christian marriage teachings, Abagail was definitely the one to blame
in this marriage.
Shame on you, Abagail!!
Wait, I wonder why God
sided with her? In case you’ve forgotten the story, Nabal died of a stroke, and
verse 38 tells us bluntly that “the Lord killed him.” (TLB)
Hmmm… makes you wonder,
right?
Let’s look at the verses
that sometimes get overlooked in this passage.
How about, for example, the
verse that says, “husbands, love your wives?”
Nabal taught us that loving
your wife doesn’t mean that you go to work every day and provide well for the
family.
Love means this:
Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious,
never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand
its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will
hardly even notice when others do it wrong.
(1 Corinthians 13:4,5 TLB)
Ahhh, now we see Nabal’s
problem. He didn’t know how to love, did
he?
One key aspect of 1
Corinthian love is that it “does not demand its own way.” That’s also literally the definition of
submission in a nutshell.
Submission is intrinsically
wrapped up in love. The two go hand in
hand. Maybe that’s why Paul starts the
Ephesians passage with “submit to one another.”
In any healthy relationship, submission, like love and respect, is
always meant to be mutual.
Paul didn’t say “be heads
like Nabal,” he said, “be heads as Christ is to the Church.”
How is Jesus the head?
The Song of Solomon, that
beautiful allegory of Jesus and His bride, gives us a picture of how Jesus is
our head.
King Solomon was a picture
of Jesus to the church. So how was King Solomon the head?
He
repeatedly told his wife how amazing she was, and how much he loved her.
In the
Father’s eyes we are “without blemish and free from accusation” (Colossians
1:22 NIV). In the same way, in Solomon’s
eyes, his wife was perfect. He told her,
“You are all beautiful, my darling, I see no spot in you.”
When
she needed space, he gave her space. For
example, one night, King Solomon knocked at his wife’s
door. She was exhausted, and had already gone to bed. So, she
turned him away. Instead of demanding his own way, Solomon respected her
wishes and quietly left. No demanding, manipulating, “pulling rank,” or raging.
Submissively, he put her wishes before his.
Mutual submission is
unheard of in slavery, it’s unheard of in abusive marriages, and it’s unheard
of in most of the popular Christian marriage books, but it was the norm in the marriage
of King Solomon and his wife. And his
wife, in return, loved her husband dearly.
Their marriage was a
perfect picture of mutuality in marriage.
Mutual love, mutual respect, and mutual submission.
And this, I believe, is the essence of Ephesians 5:21-33.
You might also like Grace is for Women too!
Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from the Holy Bible,
New International Version, NIV Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by
Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved
worldwide.www.zondervan.com. The “NIV” and “New International Version”
are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by
Biblica, Inc.
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