How do I forgive, and do I have to reconcile?

Because forgiveness is often used to guilt victims back into abusive relationships, it’s important to remember that forgiveness does NOT mean reconciliation with an abuser. 

Jesus was very clear on this issue.  He says that if someone sins against us, we do three things to try to restore the relationship:

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.  But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.'  If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.  (Matthew 18:15-17 NIV)

Notice, if they refuse to change, we are to treat them as a pagan or tax collector. 

In other words, end the relationship. 

Of course nobody's perfect, and unfortunately, we all hurt people sometimes.  Normal, healthy people can be reasoned with when they hurt you.  They’ll accept responsibility for hurting you, apologize, and you can trust them once again.  

But some people aren’t normal or healthy.  They’re abusive, and no matter how much we try to reason with them, how many chances we give them, or how Christian they profess to be, they won’t change, and they won’t stop hurting us.

Today, we call people like this "narcissists;" Jesus calls them wolves in sheep’s clothing.  He said, "Watch out for false prophets.  They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.”  (Matthew 7:15 NIV)

Wolves are people who look, talk, and act like Christians, but every once in a while, when no one is looking, they will turn on you and tear you to shreds. 

So, according to Jesus, when someone sins against you, give him the benefit of the doubt and try to reason with him.  If your 3 best attempts to reason with him fail, this person is most likely a wolf.  And Jesus says to end the relationship.  Anyone who has been in a relationship with a toxic person knows the reason for this.

It’s not because we don’t love them.  We do love them. 

It’s not because we don’t understand they’ve had a rough life.  We do understand that, and we genuinely feel sorry for them. 

And it's not because we're seeking retaliation or punishment.

Jesus said to end the relationship because it’s a protection for us.  We have to guard our hearts lest we be destroyed.

Above all else, guard your heart  (Proverbs 4:23 NIV)  

Paul echoes Jesus's advice to end the relationship multiple times: 

I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the minds of naive people… (Romans 16:17,18 NIV)

Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned.  (Titus 3:10,11 NIV) 

 … you are not to keep company with anyone who claims to be a brother Christian but indulges in sexual sins, or is greedy, or is a swindler, or worships idols, or is a drunkard, or abusive. Don’t even eat lunch with such a person… (1 Corinthians 5:11 NIV)

Now we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye withdraw yourselves from every brother that walketh disorderly… (2 Thessalonians 3:6 KJV)

 …People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.  They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women... (2Timothy 3:2-7 NIV)

So where does forgiveness fit in?  Is it possible to protect ourselves and forgive?  Absolutely!  Jesus gave us a perfect example of this.

He guarded His heart by not “entrusting Himself” to certain people:

Now while he was in Jerusalem at the Passover Festival, many people saw the signs he was performing and believed in his name.  But Jesus would not entrust himself to them, for he knew all people.  He did not need any testimony about mankind, for he knew what was in each person.  (John 2:23-25 NIV)

But at the same time, when He was on the cross, He forgave the very men who nailed him there:

Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."  (Luke 23:34 NIV)

When people hurt us and show no signs of change, we have to protect our hearts from damage.  If you can end the relationship, do it.  But I know sometimes that’s not possible, at least right away.

If you’re in that place where you can’t yet safely end the relationship, then do the next best thing, and stop entrusting your heart to him. 

And, at the same time, forgive. 

Forgiveness is not for them, it’s for us.  A quick internet search confirms that unforgiveness leads to all kinds of disease in the body.

We never feel like doing it, but we make a choice, a conscious decision, a deliberate act of our will, to forgive because we know it’s for our good, for our healing and our wholeness. 

We absolutely should and we can forgive the wolves in our lives, but from a safe distance.  They never even have to know.  💜

Agnes Sandford, in her book The Healing Light, does a beautiful job of explaining and simplifying the act of forgiveness. I've condensed her teaching below: 

Prepare

1. Connect with God.  One of the easiest ways to do this is to spend a few minutes in worship.
2. Ask “Heavenly Father, please fill me with your Holy Spirit.”
3. Believe and Thank: “Thank You Father, that Your Holy Spirit is filling me now.”
4. Spend a minute envisioning the Holy Spirit filling your body as a sponge soaks in water.

Forgive

1. Create a picture of the person you need to forgive
2. Ask the Holy Spirit within you to flow out of you like a River and surround the person you need to forgive. Try to envision that happening. 
3. "Say" to the person: “I forgive you in the Name of Jesus"
4. Thank God that this person is now forgiven.  In the days that follow, when angry thoughts surface (and they will), just say, “I thank You Lord, I’ve already forgiven him for that.” *see note below

Bless

1. As you continue to envision this person being surrounded and saturated by the Holy Spirit River, imagining him being transformed.  Envision that person becoming happy and filled with peace.
2. Say to him: “I bless you in the Name of Jesus.  I see you becoming happy, peaceful and kind.  Right now, I am sending you God’s Light, Love, and Life, and you are being transformed."

Although you might be tempted to skip the "blessing" part, try it.  In my experience, it did help take some of the sting out.

*Getting help from a professional talk therapist is extremely helpful in healing from abuse.

Resource:

Sanford, Agnes. “Chapters 2 and 6.” The Healing Light, Martino Publishing., Mansfield Centre, CT, 2013. 

Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV  Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.  Used by permission of Zondervan.  All rights reserved worldwide.www.zondervan.com.  The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.